Future

 I'm excited for the future, but I'm also scared. I hate school, as many do. It doesn't suit me as I feel actual work would. School is just like work, but no one respects you, HR sucks, and you don't get a paycheck. Every time I enter a new environment, from nursery to primary school to secondary school, every time I have hope. Hope that things will change. I never understood why nothing ever felt right. At the start, there was a honeymoon phase. The beginning of something new, blind joy. But as with people, the longer you stay or look, the more flaws begin to protrude through  the surface. From bullying, to stress, to puberty.

I want to pursue childcare. Which, if you know me personally, sounds absolutely ridiculous. I will admit that I am quite vulgar and immature in my words and comedy. But I believe that due to my autism, and therefore my ability to mask, I can change my demeanour quite quickly. Especially toward essential workers and children. Not because what I feel isn't real, that my respect and kindness isn't fake. I just have a lot of control over how i present myself.

I struggle to see my future. I tend to live in the moment, which is a good and bad thing, as even though I comprehend that things that actually can get better, at least I'm not looking to the future with blind faith in others.

I also enjoy caring for animals, I have three pet rats. In fact, they are just a metre away as I type this. I think I just like caring for things that can't care for themselves, at least not yet. And I miss being younger, who I could've been if things were different.

I began to struggle with depression when I was about seven or eight, and frankly, it ruined my life. If my mind was even a bit better, I think I would be sunshine and rainbows. It almost feels like I'm grieving who I could've been. I want to give children the support I didn't have when I was younger. I know how even a single conversation can change your life. I really hope that I can do what I want to, but anything can happen, truly.