The Beginning

 

Me

I have no intention to become famous or popular with this. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and autism. All of which affect me greatly. Painful. I have a lot of thoughts, and nowhere to put them, so perhaps this is the best for me. After all, I am always told that talking and expressing my emotions is healthy.

I frankly expect no one to read this. I am no one special. And I don't mean it in a "Woe is me" respect. I try not to dwell on my sadness, it doesn't help anyone. 

Sometimes I wonder why I am here. What leads me to what I do. I'm not religious, though I come from a Christian Methodist family, which is a very important specification in my country, for silly reasons. Nor am I someone spiritual. Though I'm not sure how I feel if "fate" exists. My close family is very devoted to science, with my sister studying zoology, my mum working in a university, and my dad working in IT. So most have the stoic view of "what happens, happens" and there is nothing more to it. But sometimes I feel like things happen for a reason.

Think about all those who have narrowly escaped death. How they feel. I wonder if the brain knew that what was going to happen was going to happen before they even realised they had realised. Maybe I sound insane, who knows?

I try very hard to make something of myself. As I said, my family is relatively successful. Standard middle class white family. But I don't fit right. My sister is autistic as well, however, she is lucky enough to get the Sheldon Cooper esc "Savant Syndrome". I, on the other hand, am in a special school in which my attendance is...questionable. I do fine in school most of the time. I struggle with science. I feel as if I am the failure of the family. The one who gets brushed aside when my parents talk about how impressive my sister is.

I know they love me deeply, and I'm most likely being irrational, maybe I'm merely projecting my emotions toward myself. But I can't help but feel that I am a speck compared to my sister.

If fate is real, it's a cruel thing. Alongside my mental illnesses and disabilities, I have epilepsy and functional neurological disorder (FND). If God, or fate, or destiny is true. I am doomed.

I'm not sure if i will even continue writing. Maybe I might not even post this. Maybe you'll never see me again.

Bye.